The 2 things my surgeon said on my last consultation before I was discharge for the spinal fusion op was that for the next two years I do not (1) get pregnant and (2) fall down. At the point of heightened joy for being discharged, on my back for so long and gruesome physio therapy sessions, I just nodded without much thought and went on my way.
Obviously in just 60 short days I was back in the hospital and met my surgeon after the x-ray was done for the fracture on another bone of my spine. There he was, looking at the x-ray and the report emailed to laptop. He shook his head and gave me a very disappointed, "I thought I told NOT to fall down!" and so since I had failed 50% of my promise, I responded with a "Then I might as well get knocked up now and get it over with?" To which he burst out in laughter and said that since I still had my sense of humour, the fall may not be as bad as we thought.
To get in line with the topic of the post, I have learned a few things about surgery procedures which they are not up front in telling you the full details nor did I have the experience enough to even ask. On the last 2 days leading to the surgery, the pain in my back became so unbearable that pain killer doses 3 times a day was not cutting it and so at night, to help me sleep, the gave me a morphine jab in the ass. Not that I have had that many jabs in the ass but this by far was crazy ass painful and it seems you can feel every drop of liquid being pumped in. However, before giving me the jab, I was told
"Go and pee first. After I give you the jab, if you need to go to the toilet again, press the button for the nurse and do not go alone"
After the dose was in though, it was like there was no pain at all and all I felt was sleepy, so I slept. At some point during the night I woke up and felt like I needed to pee. Of course, you know me... why would I ask for help? I stood up and instantly the world was spinning... literally and I was plastered on the floor, feeling like I was going to throw up cause everything is moving around, could not get my bearings and I laid there, eyes closed, panicked as if I were about to die.
I could see the button beside the bed to call for assistance but it was like my body was not responding to move. More like it was lagging but after what seemed like forever, I managed to press that button and the nurse helped me up. After assisting me to the bathroom, she sternly reminded me to call for assistance and never attempt to get up on my own.
Even till today I wonder why people (not including those in severe physical pain) would seek to take such drugs. How does feeling sick to your stomach, panic attacks, feeling like you are drowning from the breathing to hard because of all the dizziness and disorientation and not being in control of your own bodily functions such a kick? Bizarre!
"You will be on a solid food fast 24 hours prior to surgery"
I did this fast but was not told why nor did I ask. For a week after the surgery and being discharged did I realise that I hadn't done number 2 all this while. My doctor says it is common and something to do with the anesthetics effect that it may cause constipation. My mom tried giving me flex seed and even though I spend nearly 1/2 an hour of energy like a 2 hour gym session (sweating and feels like all the muscles in your body wants to die) I only manage a 5 cent coin drop. The thing is, you can push all you want but when it comes to the critical end (closest to where the surgery was performed) one has no strength of muscle control AT all there which makes it near impossible for it to come out. This is when the "do not get pregnant" portion of my surgeon's advise made sense.
3 days later, still only a few 30 minute 5 cent coin result, my friend suggested prune juice. Like a hero, I drank the entire 750ml bottle in one go. In about 2 hours, while napping, the majorest of major stomachache occurs. It took a whole HOUR or so and the pain, sweat and tears felt like I was giving birth to a baby elephant through my ass (the actual size is like a big potato). It was hard and crusty, like some sandy artifact and boy did it feel like a sandy artifact coming out too!
I was so so so tired that I didn't even manage a shower, just wrapped myself in blanket and laid on my bed. The amount of sweat cannot be exaggerated cause it looked like I just took a shower... my hair was so wet with sweat that it was taped down to my scalp. My body felt like it was so drained of energy that I was even shivering! I laid there thinking... the worse is over. 5 minutes pass and I sprung up racing to the toilet again cause it felt like round 2 was not going to wait.
Before my ass could barely be over the toilet bowl, Niagara falls with the force of a nuclear explosion came crashing down. It was like that baby elephant was the cork, keeping Niagara falls in and now that the flood gates are opened... A moment of silence as we say a little prayer on how sorry I am to the bathroom for the unimaginable nightmare I gave it with a typhoon of "exit materials" splashing around.
If anyone with a very graphic imagination is reading this just before or after a meal. Happy eating :)
Had I known the 24 hour fast was to prevent the baby elephant (it didn't really prevent it now did it) I would have fasted a whole freaking week!
